(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.