[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.