Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Sniffing the broccoli
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]