How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
concern
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Worth the read.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click