If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME