4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
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The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
cause of death:
autopsy.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.