[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.