[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
There is no try. There is only give up.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.