CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Thoughts
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Noah was an idiot.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours