“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My favorite farside!!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one