“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
#Caturday
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I know
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy