[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Well, this explains it:
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.