Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Shower sex be like:
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.