[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close