[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
ready to be harvested
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another