[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
my professor scared me for a second
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.