[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Everything reminds me of my ex
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan