[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what