[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
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The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Friends that check up on you >
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
absolute chaos
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat