[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
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can’t bark with your mouth full
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.