[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time