[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
How I’d get arrested…
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.