[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
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Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave