[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Note to self: always read the final line
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.