[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn