You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn