Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.