Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now