Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
We’re all getting idioter.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
😂💯
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar