Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.