Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used