I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
ibopfufen
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.