CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year