TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this