[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
How to properly lift a body
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
not to brag, but mine was free
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?