Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
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Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?