*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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A family that plays together cheats.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Feel. He’s so soft.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you