Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
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usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sharon, call the vet
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
time machine? you mean a clock?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.