Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I am, perchance
The cashier just checked me out.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese