When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri