[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Become ungovernable.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*