[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.