Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
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[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
God, I love Scotland
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Cinematography is my passion
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*