[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*