[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
You Might Also Like
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions