[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
You Might Also Like
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Never be a pizza!
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated