@lisaxy424: Me: i've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What's your secret?
Me: be fat first
@KimmyMonte: {commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
@jonnysun: SPELLING BEE: spell "configurable"
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B--
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
@InternetHippo: COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim's mirror
ME: You can't prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer
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