[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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Just so funny
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.