Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.