A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.