Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.